contentment.

this journey is interesting.

i've had moments of peace the last few months, but overall have been WAY too aware of the calendar, what day i'm in my cycle, what my chances are this month, what every little twinge is (implantation? ovulation? geez.).  the past few weeks i've just felt peace.  i haven't felt rushed, like i have to get pregnant this month.  of course, i have seen a million pregnant women and newborns every time i leave the house ;)  but i've just felt more patient, like i'm in a good place.

it isn't a race, and i am not trying to just get to the finish line.  i trust that some day i'll experience pregnancy, we will get to be parents.  but until then, i am happy where we're at.  i'm poignantly aware that i'll never have this time back.  the chance to sit at the computer with a glass of wine in the evening.  to have "me" time first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee & a quiet house. to make a spontaneous lunch date with friends after a spur of the moment running date with a girlfriend. to take a random drive with the hubs looking at the leaves change, windows open wide & blaring country music.

i want to soak it in.  be grateful for where i'm at now, instead of constantly looking into the future.  i want to be thankful for the NOW, because i won't have it forever.

and mostly, i do not want to make an idol in my heart of this situation.  i know all too well my tendency to obsess, and let lesser things replace my God.  i am reminded this afternoon about a verse my brother in law josh shared with me a few months ago, "those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. but i, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you." (jonah 2:8-9)

 there is grace in this journey.  there is blessing found only in the struggle.  i don't want to forfeit the chance to draw nearer to the Lord, to need Him a little more.

i am choosing contentment, and i am so blessed.  the Lord has far been too good to me already.

letting go.

julie and i were talking last night about how everything regarding kids looks so different than we expected.  i have always hoped to share pregnancy & that exciting journey of starting a family with her.  since we were in jax, we talked about going through that stage together.  

she's 30 weeks along and i'm not yet, and it's hard to accept that it's okay if we don't share the experience at the same time.  i think, as always, letting go of expectations is harder than the reality itself is. 

 it's not a big deal if our kids are a few months or year apart.  it doesn't change our friendship anymore than it did my friendship with jen when she had eliot three years before i even considered pregnancy.  but i think i always hung on a little that i'd have a bestie to go through this with.  i am trying to let go of the fact that even if julie and i started trying at the same time, that it isn't our story to write anyway, and who knows who would get pregnant first or at all.  it isn't our plan to execute.  

i am learning so much about my control issues, and learning to start loosening my grip on my own perceived control...and let God work in this, and grow me because of the challenge of waiting.  i do trust Him with this timing.  but i'm reminded of the father in mark 9:24 who says, "i do believe...help me overcome my unbelief!"  i feel like for me, i am saying to the Lord: "i do trust you; help me overcome my control issues!" :)

one step at a time.  today i'm choosing to claim what i believe:  that God is worth trusting with my story.  even if His timing isn't what my egocentric self thinks is best.  He can see the forest, i'm drowning in the trees.

He is worth letting go.

not yet...and peace.

i'm not pregnant this month.

but, it's okay.  i'm at peace about it, and hopeful right now for another month to try.  i'm grateful for the peace i feel, because it's not always there.  in some ways, in the days leading up to my period i'm more anxious than ever.  once it starts it's just, "okay, well, another month to try!"  after a few days of what-if, i'm just okay with it not being our time yet.

i'm careful mentally & emotionally not to be too obsessive about all of this...i'm a controller & that's a hard, conscious decision but i'm just trying to be intentional about "taking every though captive to the Lord."  i want this to be His timing, and i trust His will for us completely.  as soon as i start to feel like i have any control, i am trying to hand it over to the Lord.  mike said the other day something about it being weird that people call it "trying to have a baby"...and i agree.  because six months ago i wasn't concerned every month about my cycle, or what every little pain might be.  there's no reason to just have this consume me all of a sudden.  again with the control....over my heart & head.  i'm choosing to let go of control and just be normal jess.  normal jess & mike.  if out of our love for each other, we make a baby, then awesome.  but i'm not going to allow myself to go crazy mentally trying to do something i have no control over to start with.

i feel great today about everything, and i'm thankful for the clarity.

i want to learn through this journey, not just take the blessing & run without ever having needed the Lord.  i'm grateful that He knows me & protects me from myself ;)