not yet...and peace.

i'm not pregnant this month.

but, it's okay.  i'm at peace about it, and hopeful right now for another month to try.  i'm grateful for the peace i feel, because it's not always there.  in some ways, in the days leading up to my period i'm more anxious than ever.  once it starts it's just, "okay, well, another month to try!"  after a few days of what-if, i'm just okay with it not being our time yet.

i'm careful mentally & emotionally not to be too obsessive about all of this...i'm a controller & that's a hard, conscious decision but i'm just trying to be intentional about "taking every though captive to the Lord."  i want this to be His timing, and i trust His will for us completely.  as soon as i start to feel like i have any control, i am trying to hand it over to the Lord.  mike said the other day something about it being weird that people call it "trying to have a baby"...and i agree.  because six months ago i wasn't concerned every month about my cycle, or what every little pain might be.  there's no reason to just have this consume me all of a sudden.  again with the control....over my heart & head.  i'm choosing to let go of control and just be normal jess.  normal jess & mike.  if out of our love for each other, we make a baby, then awesome.  but i'm not going to allow myself to go crazy mentally trying to do something i have no control over to start with.

i feel great today about everything, and i'm thankful for the clarity.

i want to learn through this journey, not just take the blessing & run without ever having needed the Lord.  i'm grateful that He knows me & protects me from myself ;)