facebook-official.

we're now official!  at least by social media standards ;)

so excited to use this photo, with the caption "one more present on the way! arriving june 2012," on my facebook today!!  the immediate flood of sweet words from friends all over the US brought tears to my eyes.  i am so lucky to have such sweet people excited for us.

yay for this fun adventure!!

14 weeks.

well, it's been a busy few weeks!  the holidays have a way of making that happen :)

Christmas 2011 was so good to us.  i spent the weekend before in missouri with my family and it was such a good time with them, as always.  and as usual, hard to leave.  i came home to snow, a couple work days at the hospital, and then Christmas was upon us!  mike and i had a great time celebrating with his mom, sarah & kate...and Christmas eve dinner with our koepp family.  lots of great gifts were exchanged & too much good food enjoyed this season!!

i feel really good right now.  i haven't had any nausea since about week 11, and i have much more energy again.  i even had enough energy to work out today for the first time in TOO many weeks.  the constipation-from-hell has also resolved & overall, i feel great.  i just keep hoping that my love of all things coffee returns soon.  the mere thought of it still nauseates me, and frankly, i miss it.

anyway, i'm making the announcement on facebook this week - but here is my 14 week belly shot.  in the last few weeks, i've developed quite a bump by the end of the day, but this week i noticed it doesn't go away in the mornings anymore.  i think it's here to stay :)

baby A, you got your first presents this week from family & friends, which was awesome.  we are getting SO excited about your summer 2012 arrival!

12 weeks with a bonus ultrasound.

i got to have an ultrasound this morning for my 12 week appointment.  the doctor couldn't hear the heartbeat with the doppler (which is normal this early) so she got out the portable ultrasound and i got to see baby A jumping around on the screen.  the little peanut was practically doing flips, stretching his/her legs & waving his/her arms.  it was seriously the coolest part of my pregnancy so far!  i can't believe how much he/she was moving, even though i can't feel a thing yet.  pregnancy is such an incredible experience.  i was so glad mike was able to come to my appointment with me, as i didn't even think to ask him til last night.  it was awesome being able to see the baby together & laugh so hard at the antics going on in my tummy.  every time i laughed, baby started jumping again. i did have a passing thought of, "this may be a bad sign" when i saw how active he/she was being!! ;)  we may be in for a real spaz!

i call this picture, "baby has a question!"

well, please excuse the horrible iPhone photo below, but you can see that i'm starting to really show now.  and i think it's more than just bloating.  although by evening it's more bloating.  anyway, i wake up with a little bump now and buttoning ANY of my pants is a thing of the past.  i actually bought my first pair of maternity pants this week at old navy.  i don't quite fill them out yet, but they were instantly more comfortable than my jeans + belly band combo.  basically as soon as i get home, and out of the public eye, i'm into my comfy pj pants.  i'm hoping in the next few weeks i can really fill out the maternity jeans.  i've got to get another pair somewhere though since i'd wear the heck out of the one pair i have :)  anyway, i think to the average stranger who doesn't know differently, i just look a little pudgy.  but i can tell i'm showing and it's so exciting!

in other updates, my nausea practically stopped about 10-14 days ago.  i just woke up one morning and didn't feel like yakking the second my eyes opened.  quite an improvement!  i actually was hoping everything was still okay with baby since i expected to have morning sickness longer than week 11, but after seeing baby doing perfectly fine on ultrasound, i'm just thanking my lucky stars that i feel better so early.  and i made it without ever throwing up (my least fave thing ever).  yay!

i can't believe i'm almost 13 weeks now.  i told my boss at work this week, and now that everything is okay and i'm wrapping up my first trimester it's pretty much public knowledge.  so exciting to have time moving along so quickly.  i'm excited to move into my second trimester feeling much better all around.  i'll try to get a better 12 week baby-bump picture this week...for posterity's sake if nothing else.  the goal is to get one every two weeks.

coming up this week is my trip home for price family Christmas & ruthie's graduation.  i'm so excited to see my family for the first time since being prego.  it's such a fun time to share with them!

a hampostle thanksgiving. 10 weeks in.

we spent thanksgiving in seattle this year with the hammers.  of course it was amazing to see noa & julie, as it always is, but this time was extra special because we got to meet RUBY.  born only a week before we arrived, she was the perfect newborn mix of smell-good, snuggling, and pure sweetness.  we LOVED loving on her, watching football while she slept on my chest, laughing at her uncontrolled arm flailing and eye-crossing, and soaking up every minute of our time with her mommy & daddy.

it was so sweet to hold her, knowing i'd be snuggling my own peanut like this in a few months.  i'm so glad i found out i was pregnant before she arrived :)  it made meeting her & enjoying her extra special.  newborns have always been my favorite stage of baby-hood, and i absolutely can't wait for baby A to make his or her debut in june!  even more so now after loving on the rube-ster for a week!

i called mike the baby-whisperer, because while we were watching ruby one morning so julie could nap, she was really fussy for me.  he took her and started walking around with her up against his chest and she calmed right down, and just looked around quietly.  this happened a couple more times over our weekend there, so he got his name. i would be eternally grateful if this is the case with our own baby!!

while we were in town i convinced julie to take a picture of my 10 week belly.  i should say, my 10 week BLOATING from hell.  i hardly think that's baby in there as much as, something else that won't come out.  thank you, pregnancy hormones & constipation.  keeping it real.  either way, the pants no longer button and the belly-band has been an amazing addition to my wardrobe.

at 10 weeks, i'm still having lots of nausea & it's only made better by eating literally every two hours.  at the max.  i start to feel it creep back up about an hour after i eat...and then it's really unmanageable, i.e. "someone-get-jess-something-to-eat-NOW-before-she-kills-us" unmanageable.  poor mike has taken the brunt of my, "oh hey, i needed to eat ten minutes ago" behavior.  i can't say i'm very cordial when i get hungry anyway, and being nauseated on top of it just about pushes me over the edge.  i still having vomited though, and for that i'm eternally grateful.

also, i still can't stand the smell of coffee.  i can't be in the room while it's brewing, i can't make a new pot or even pour the old pot down the drain without gagging.  i don't understand this little development, as pre-pregnancy i'm a 3 or 4 cup a day gal.  i'm hoping my love for it comes back soon, but in the mean time, keep me away from the 'joe.

so grateful for every passing week of pregnancy.  it's really a cool feeling to know a little peanut is growing deep inside my belly.

worries. and thanksgiving.

yesterday morning i woke up to some spotting and then proceeded to have cramping all day.  low-belly, mild, like a period almost.  but scary nonetheless, of course.  i had some intermittent spotting throughout the day.  i was at work, so i tried to just take it as easy as possible (thankfully it wasn't too busy and i was able to sit a lot)...then i went to bed at 8:30 last night and slept a good 9 hours.

i woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom this morning, and everything was fine.

i laid in bed for the next little bit just whispering prayers of thanksgiving for no blood!  this morning when i got up for work, the cramping had resolved as well.  jen sent me an article from babycenter about cramping & spotting around 9 weeks.  i guess your uterus goes through a little growth spurt and that can cause the symptoms.

either way, i'm grateful to feel better today.

the nausea is actually worse than it has been...as in, i almost yakked my peanut butter toast in the car on the way to work ;)  but i'll even take that over yesterday!!

thanks for your guys' prayers throughout the day yesterday...it meant a lot.

xoxo

p.s. we got to see baby ruby yesterday on iPad/iPhone face-time.  SO AWESOME!!!

i will definitely be doing that as much as possible once baby A makes his/her appearance next summer.  such a neat way to "see" all her little movements & hear her squeaks and just feel like i got a better idea of who little ruby is than just from the million photos i've received.  i can't wait to meet her next week! 

baby A, pay attention b/c that little girl is sure to be one of your BFF's :)

breaking the news.

well, cat's out of the bag!

we told my family about baby A on wednesday while having a little date-day.  i texted a picture of the ultrasound...which was lost on my pops, hilarious!  it was so exciting to share the news, and i think i pretty much giggled all afternoon as i finally was able to talk every last detail with my mom & sisters!!  i'd been DYING to tell them for oh, approximately 5 weeks:)  i'm definitely glad we waited, just to make sure everything was okay...but it was awesome to finally tell them.  since then i think i've exchanged a gazillion texts with them about everything from nausea to baby names.  it's a very exciting time for me!

later that night we also told kate & mike's mom & sarah.  as expected, they were all over the moon too.

this coming monday night is our friend-thanksgiving celebration at our house, and by then most people will know about the peanut.  i think it would be too hard to explain to everyone there why i'm declining wine ;)  it's not really like me!  thankfully, it doesn't even remotely sound appealing.  i think the body has a way of making that easier...no coffee, no wine sounds good.

however, COKE!!!!  oh my gosh, coke is my new fave.  i only have it once or twice a week because we don't even keep any at the house, but it is so tasty to me right now.  maybe it's just the carbonation...i'm going to get some caffeine-free at the store this week to try.  along with some cheerios, which liz suggested, to keep nausea at bay.  i need something that's easy to throw in a ziploc in my scrub pockets at work.  thankfully the nausea seems to be getting a little better every day.  last night i had some eggnog and that didn't sit too well, but i think that might always be the case.  love the flavor so much, but too much and it's a bit heavy.

anyway, i'm entering my 9th week today.  time is moving right along!

8 weeks.

good news at the doctor this week!  peanut is still looking good & my cysts have dramatically decreased in size.  i'm so grateful, to finally hear that things look okay.  it's been a stressful couple of weeks being on activity limitations & not knowing if they would go down without intervention.

i also got to hear the baby's heart beating outloud for the first time during my ultrasound.  last time i'd seen the flicker of his/her heart but this week i heard it loud & clear.  i just burst out laughing and then crying.  welcome to emotion-overload ;)  it was seriously the coolest thing ever.

so here's a picture of the tiny...

and the first of many, i'm sure, bump shots!  nothing much to show yet, but by evening i'm still so bloated i look farther along.  i bought a bella-band this week to use over my jeans, as i can't button them in the evenings...hopefully i can avoid maternity jeans for a bit longer.

so far, still no vomiting.  just nausea ALL. DAY. LONG.

i eat about every hour & a half and that seems to stave it off for a little bit.  i haven't had to take any zofran or vitamin b-6 (supposed to help with morning sickness) yet, am just controlling it with food.  i'm so grateful to not be vomiting, that i don't even care if i feel sick :)

i don't have any cravings yet, but i can't STAND the smell of coffee.  when it's brewing in the morning is the closest i come to dry heaving :)  (drama, mike says)  seriously though, for being a 4 cup a day drinker just a couple months ago, i have quit cold turkey and even making the coffee for someone else in the morning isn't possible right now.  much less when it starts brewing ;)  haha!  weird!

anyway, we're telling my family, kate & mike's family next week when i'm closer to 9 weeks.  i'm so excited i can hardly stand it!

meet nausea, my new best friend.

still thanking the LORD i haven't thrown up yet.

i'm actually quite sure it's not far around the corner, though.  nausea is my constant companion the last two or three days.  as in, if i'm awake, i'm nauseated.  well, unless i'm actively eating.  but if i pause during eating, you guessed it, i'm nauseated.  haha!  it's such a lovely feeling ;)

i have been able to manage it so far by eating every 20 minutes or so!!!!!

the things i feel like eating are pretty bland.  dry Life cereal, oatmeal packets, saltines, baked potatoes.  salad always sounds good so i've had salad bar a few times at work this week.  pretty boring diet though, but that's fine as long as it stays down.

and it's weird because i am SUCH a coffee fanatic.  usually, i'd have two or three cups every morning.  especially on my days off.  that's out the window, now.  it doesn't even sound good.  we got a big snow this morning & so i made a 4-cupper in the pot of decaf coffee (with flavored creamer of course)...poured a cup...and whop whop.  it just sat there.  i think i had one or two sips.  it doesn't make me more nauseated, it just doesn't taste like anything i want to keep drinking.  it's like i'm ambivalent to it ;)  weird for ME!!!

so many changes are happening already.  it's really cool.

today i should be about 6w5d.  crazy that i'm already almost 7 weeks!  here's hoping i can continue to keep it a secret for another two or three weeks...i want to tell my family around thanksgiving.  it's hard to keep secret at home though, with mom, sarah, whitney & eric living with us.  like who am i to ever pass up a glass of wine after work?  but i have twice now to whitney...i'm sure she's wondering.  and momma T has had seven kids of her own, so surely she questions why i'm not finishing my coffee, why i fall asleep on the couch every night, why i've taken more naps in the last two weeks than the first three months they lived here.  

oh well, fingers crossed we can keep our secret a little longer! :)

i go back to the doctor a week from today for another ultrasound to look at my left ovary & of course i'll get to see the peanut again!  yay!

hello, peanut.

so, i never updated last week because it was a little rough.  i went in monday after three blood tests the week before, for another in-office ultrasound.  unfortunately, the doctor still couldn't confirm a uterine pregnancy.  and my cyst on the left side was bigger, so she was still worried about an ectopic.  thank goodness mike was with me at that appointment because i was so stressed, leaving there still not knowing either way.  he was able to be rational about it (surprise, surprise) and talk me down a little, and his support really meant a lot to me.  so monday the doctor ordered another lab draw & a high-definition ultrasound to be performed in the radiology lab at the hospital for thursday.

thursday morning, mike & i headed in.  my nerves were pretty frayed, and at that point i just wanted clarity either way.  of course, the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't show us the screen unless she saw a uterine preg...but mike convinced her to let HIM see the screen, with strict implications that she would not interpret anything on the ultrasound.  of course, he was able to tell right away - and then she turned the screen towards me, and we saw this!


of course, i teared up:)  we were both very excited to see a tiny in there, and not have the risk still looming of an ectopic (with surgery).  we could see the heart beating, at 118.  nice & strong.  looks like at the appointment i was 5w6d, so very very early still.  but he's in there!

mike took me out to lunch afterwards & we celebrated in our own special ways...him with an italian coffee drink & me with gelato:)

while we were at lunch we got news that our land purchase went through, YAY!  so we had two big things to celebrate.  after lunch we drove out to the land and admired the snow & beautiful mountain views.

happy day for us.  made complete by the cards pulling out a win on game 6 that night (barely) and going on to win the series last night.  yay!

on a less exciting note, my left ovarian cyst continues to be large - 5x7cm.  you can kind of see it in the ultrasound above...it's actually larger than my uterus!  and somewhat intermittently painful.  so i go in again in two weeks for another ultrasound to look at the size of it, and in the meantime i'm on ovarian-torsion-precautions.  so, no exercising, running, lifting anything heavy, twisting motions or *ahem* other activities until my re-ultrasound.  here's hoping it goes down before then & i can just move on with life!!!  it's really cramping my style.

so is this dang nausea...thank GOD i haven't puked yet...(knocking on wood)...

a treat from the hubs.

mike gave these to me the day after i found out i was pregnant.  SO beautiful!!!

i have the best hubs ever.

good news.

praising the Lord for good news yesterday.

my quant is up to 7800!  we'll redraw it on friday, and then another ultrasound monday.  by then the doctor should be able to see a little peanut in the right place...

still praying it's not an ectopic.

in the meantime, nausea has been kicking my butt.  i can't say i've ever been more grateful to feel crappy though! :)

p.s. on a random note, jane texted me yesterday "ok...so are you pregnant? cause i have been dreaming about you....been thinking about you for 2 days with little baby thoughts.  you are going to have a boy, i think."  SO WEIRD!  i played it off, because i don't want to tell my family too early in case something goes wrong.  but oddly comforting to know that somehow her intuition was kicking in about me, especially during a really stressful week for me with this pregnancy!!  and additionally, i've been consumed with thinking this baby is a boy too...we'll see :)

on eggshells. with a side of nausea.

well.  this week has been a little rough.

monday i went to see my ob/gyn because through the weekend i had some bouts of cramping & spotting.  monday morning i woke up to left lower belly stabbing pain...not cool.  so thankfully they were able to fit me in in the afternoon.  i had my first ultrasound, which showed a tiny pocket in my uterus ("maybe a very early pregnancy...") and huge ovarian cysts.  reason for the pain!  i've never had cysts that i know of, so that was a bit of a surprise.

i also had blood drawn and my hcg quant was 4200, so i'm definitely pregnant.  but the doc can't rule out an ectopic.  or a miscarriage yet.

i FEEL pregnant, though.  still have very sore boobs (it hurts to hug!)...nausea throughout the day but worse if i haven't eaten in two hours...exhaustion despite 9 hours of sleep at night.  i keep telling mike as i lay down for yet another nap, "it's hard work to make a baby!" :)

so we wait.

today i'm heading back in for a repeat quant, and here's hoping (praying!!!) that that little number has increased.  if so, i redraw again on friday and then another ultrasound.  best case scenario is that i'm just way earlier than i though.  which would make this the world's LONGEST pregnancy.

but at this point, i'll take it.

i'm scared.  and hopeful.  and walking on eggshells til this afternoon's results are in.

constant thoughts. and love.

not an hour goes by that i don't think of the little peanut growing inside me.

it feels surreal.

besides the general achiness, intermittent nausea & the bloating from HELL...i feel like me.  but i have a secret! it's so weird to talk to people right now.  i feel like i'm almost lying to them.  but i sure don't want everyone to know quite yet.  however, i'm dying inside with anticipation.  i can't wait to tell my family.  it's funny because ruthie was just out here last week and i didn't know yet.  i'll be 12 weeks around thanksgiving so i think i'm going to try to wait til then to tell my family, kate & mike's family.  it's soooo hard though.  a couple of my girlfriends know here, but otherwise i want to just make sure everything turns out okay first.

i've been having some mild cramping, almost like i'm going to start my period.  and some intermittent spotting.  so i'm kind of worried about miscarrying.

but i'm overwhelmingly just elated.  i can't stop thinking about the fact that mike & i made a baby and it's deep inside me right now.  but it has a heartbeat.  i love the little peanut already.

this explains a lot ;)

well, this explains the late period.  and how it was abnormal when it "did" come five days late.  it never really felt like a real period...just daily spotting, and it stopped after only five days when usually i'm more like seven or eight days long.  but i'd taken two negative tests so i thought it was just a weird month - thank you, body.  last night at work i was talking to a girlfriend who suggested i take another test, what with my sore boobs & weird period (i know, this is like seriously TMI...but it's my story to record!).  so anyway, i reluctantly schlepped into the bathroom, thinking my hopes would just be dashed again like the first two times.  but this time, that second line slowly showed up.

i'm pregnant.

and i'm overjoyed & praising God for this blessing!!

a day late but a test short.

my period is late by a couple days now...which hasn't happened before.  i'm like clockwork.

i took a pregnancy test this am though, and i only got one pink line.

hm.  weird & disheartening.

guess i'll keep waiting.  not very good at this part ;)

contentment.

this journey is interesting.

i've had moments of peace the last few months, but overall have been WAY too aware of the calendar, what day i'm in my cycle, what my chances are this month, what every little twinge is (implantation? ovulation? geez.).  the past few weeks i've just felt peace.  i haven't felt rushed, like i have to get pregnant this month.  of course, i have seen a million pregnant women and newborns every time i leave the house ;)  but i've just felt more patient, like i'm in a good place.

it isn't a race, and i am not trying to just get to the finish line.  i trust that some day i'll experience pregnancy, we will get to be parents.  but until then, i am happy where we're at.  i'm poignantly aware that i'll never have this time back.  the chance to sit at the computer with a glass of wine in the evening.  to have "me" time first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee & a quiet house. to make a spontaneous lunch date with friends after a spur of the moment running date with a girlfriend. to take a random drive with the hubs looking at the leaves change, windows open wide & blaring country music.

i want to soak it in.  be grateful for where i'm at now, instead of constantly looking into the future.  i want to be thankful for the NOW, because i won't have it forever.

and mostly, i do not want to make an idol in my heart of this situation.  i know all too well my tendency to obsess, and let lesser things replace my God.  i am reminded this afternoon about a verse my brother in law josh shared with me a few months ago, "those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. but i, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you." (jonah 2:8-9)

 there is grace in this journey.  there is blessing found only in the struggle.  i don't want to forfeit the chance to draw nearer to the Lord, to need Him a little more.

i am choosing contentment, and i am so blessed.  the Lord has far been too good to me already.

letting go.

julie and i were talking last night about how everything regarding kids looks so different than we expected.  i have always hoped to share pregnancy & that exciting journey of starting a family with her.  since we were in jax, we talked about going through that stage together.  

she's 30 weeks along and i'm not yet, and it's hard to accept that it's okay if we don't share the experience at the same time.  i think, as always, letting go of expectations is harder than the reality itself is. 

 it's not a big deal if our kids are a few months or year apart.  it doesn't change our friendship anymore than it did my friendship with jen when she had eliot three years before i even considered pregnancy.  but i think i always hung on a little that i'd have a bestie to go through this with.  i am trying to let go of the fact that even if julie and i started trying at the same time, that it isn't our story to write anyway, and who knows who would get pregnant first or at all.  it isn't our plan to execute.  

i am learning so much about my control issues, and learning to start loosening my grip on my own perceived control...and let God work in this, and grow me because of the challenge of waiting.  i do trust Him with this timing.  but i'm reminded of the father in mark 9:24 who says, "i do believe...help me overcome my unbelief!"  i feel like for me, i am saying to the Lord: "i do trust you; help me overcome my control issues!" :)

one step at a time.  today i'm choosing to claim what i believe:  that God is worth trusting with my story.  even if His timing isn't what my egocentric self thinks is best.  He can see the forest, i'm drowning in the trees.

He is worth letting go.

not yet...and peace.

i'm not pregnant this month.

but, it's okay.  i'm at peace about it, and hopeful right now for another month to try.  i'm grateful for the peace i feel, because it's not always there.  in some ways, in the days leading up to my period i'm more anxious than ever.  once it starts it's just, "okay, well, another month to try!"  after a few days of what-if, i'm just okay with it not being our time yet.

i'm careful mentally & emotionally not to be too obsessive about all of this...i'm a controller & that's a hard, conscious decision but i'm just trying to be intentional about "taking every though captive to the Lord."  i want this to be His timing, and i trust His will for us completely.  as soon as i start to feel like i have any control, i am trying to hand it over to the Lord.  mike said the other day something about it being weird that people call it "trying to have a baby"...and i agree.  because six months ago i wasn't concerned every month about my cycle, or what every little pain might be.  there's no reason to just have this consume me all of a sudden.  again with the control....over my heart & head.  i'm choosing to let go of control and just be normal jess.  normal jess & mike.  if out of our love for each other, we make a baby, then awesome.  but i'm not going to allow myself to go crazy mentally trying to do something i have no control over to start with.

i feel great today about everything, and i'm thankful for the clarity.

i want to learn through this journey, not just take the blessing & run without ever having needed the Lord.  i'm grateful that He knows me & protects me from myself ;)

waiting.

now every time i feel a twinge, or feel bloated, or funny at all, i think...could i be prego?

it's hard to wait.  

i am tempted a thousand times a week to take a test, but promised myself i wouldn't take one until i've missed a period.  i don't want to border on obsessing.  it's hard though!!! :)

few more days and i should know either way by the end of this week.  fingers crossed.

a baby blog...really?

i didn't think i'd make a baby blog.  until just today i decided to re-read my sister's baby blog and found comfort in knowing that she, too, had to wait a few months to become pregnant.

but gosh, it's a hard thing to wait for.

i struggle daily with entitlement with the Lord..."but God, we waited so long to even start trying"...and..."don't i deserve to at least get pregnant easily?"

so, liz:  i hear you in those first few posts! :)

mike and i started trying for a baby in june, while in france.  i foolishly thought i'd be that girl who got pregnant the first time.  don't we all think that?  when my first period came i was all like, "oh that's okay, next month."  well this is month three...and i'm understanding liz's comment in her blog about the hopefulness & then drastic disappointment that accompanies each cycle.  and the few days each month of elation thinking "maybe this time we can make a baby!"

i'm trying to be patient.  TRYING.

i know it hasn't even been that long.

i know that up to a year of trying can be normal.

i just don't want to wait that long.

enter, my entitlement that i've already waited long enough!  haha!

it's not a subject i can talk about to a whole lot of people, because i don't want to bombard friends or family with every swing of emotion i'm having.  i'm already emotional enough! :)  and while a couple people know we're trying, most just know it's coming "soon".  i don't want to talk about it to everyone i'm close to, because i want to be able to tell them in a cool way once i'm pregnant instead of having a million people ask me each month if i'm pregnant yet.  i'm hard enough on myself.

so, here goes.  i hope i will re-read this some day and laugh at my spazzing...while holding a little peanut, that is ;)