hello, peanut.

so, i never updated last week because it was a little rough.  i went in monday after three blood tests the week before, for another in-office ultrasound.  unfortunately, the doctor still couldn't confirm a uterine pregnancy.  and my cyst on the left side was bigger, so she was still worried about an ectopic.  thank goodness mike was with me at that appointment because i was so stressed, leaving there still not knowing either way.  he was able to be rational about it (surprise, surprise) and talk me down a little, and his support really meant a lot to me.  so monday the doctor ordered another lab draw & a high-definition ultrasound to be performed in the radiology lab at the hospital for thursday.

thursday morning, mike & i headed in.  my nerves were pretty frayed, and at that point i just wanted clarity either way.  of course, the ultrasound tech told us she couldn't show us the screen unless she saw a uterine preg...but mike convinced her to let HIM see the screen, with strict implications that she would not interpret anything on the ultrasound.  of course, he was able to tell right away - and then she turned the screen towards me, and we saw this!


of course, i teared up:)  we were both very excited to see a tiny in there, and not have the risk still looming of an ectopic (with surgery).  we could see the heart beating, at 118.  nice & strong.  looks like at the appointment i was 5w6d, so very very early still.  but he's in there!

mike took me out to lunch afterwards & we celebrated in our own special ways...him with an italian coffee drink & me with gelato:)

while we were at lunch we got news that our land purchase went through, YAY!  so we had two big things to celebrate.  after lunch we drove out to the land and admired the snow & beautiful mountain views.

happy day for us.  made complete by the cards pulling out a win on game 6 that night (barely) and going on to win the series last night.  yay!

on a less exciting note, my left ovarian cyst continues to be large - 5x7cm.  you can kind of see it in the ultrasound above...it's actually larger than my uterus!  and somewhat intermittently painful.  so i go in again in two weeks for another ultrasound to look at the size of it, and in the meantime i'm on ovarian-torsion-precautions.  so, no exercising, running, lifting anything heavy, twisting motions or *ahem* other activities until my re-ultrasound.  here's hoping it goes down before then & i can just move on with life!!!  it's really cramping my style.

so is this dang nausea...thank GOD i haven't puked yet...(knocking on wood)...

a treat from the hubs.

mike gave these to me the day after i found out i was pregnant.  SO beautiful!!!

i have the best hubs ever.

good news.

praising the Lord for good news yesterday.

my quant is up to 7800!  we'll redraw it on friday, and then another ultrasound monday.  by then the doctor should be able to see a little peanut in the right place...

still praying it's not an ectopic.

in the meantime, nausea has been kicking my butt.  i can't say i've ever been more grateful to feel crappy though! :)

p.s. on a random note, jane texted me yesterday "ok...so are you pregnant? cause i have been dreaming about you....been thinking about you for 2 days with little baby thoughts.  you are going to have a boy, i think."  SO WEIRD!  i played it off, because i don't want to tell my family too early in case something goes wrong.  but oddly comforting to know that somehow her intuition was kicking in about me, especially during a really stressful week for me with this pregnancy!!  and additionally, i've been consumed with thinking this baby is a boy too...we'll see :)

on eggshells. with a side of nausea.

well.  this week has been a little rough.

monday i went to see my ob/gyn because through the weekend i had some bouts of cramping & spotting.  monday morning i woke up to left lower belly stabbing pain...not cool.  so thankfully they were able to fit me in in the afternoon.  i had my first ultrasound, which showed a tiny pocket in my uterus ("maybe a very early pregnancy...") and huge ovarian cysts.  reason for the pain!  i've never had cysts that i know of, so that was a bit of a surprise.

i also had blood drawn and my hcg quant was 4200, so i'm definitely pregnant.  but the doc can't rule out an ectopic.  or a miscarriage yet.

i FEEL pregnant, though.  still have very sore boobs (it hurts to hug!)...nausea throughout the day but worse if i haven't eaten in two hours...exhaustion despite 9 hours of sleep at night.  i keep telling mike as i lay down for yet another nap, "it's hard work to make a baby!" :)

so we wait.

today i'm heading back in for a repeat quant, and here's hoping (praying!!!) that that little number has increased.  if so, i redraw again on friday and then another ultrasound.  best case scenario is that i'm just way earlier than i though.  which would make this the world's LONGEST pregnancy.

but at this point, i'll take it.

i'm scared.  and hopeful.  and walking on eggshells til this afternoon's results are in.

constant thoughts. and love.

not an hour goes by that i don't think of the little peanut growing inside me.

it feels surreal.

besides the general achiness, intermittent nausea & the bloating from HELL...i feel like me.  but i have a secret! it's so weird to talk to people right now.  i feel like i'm almost lying to them.  but i sure don't want everyone to know quite yet.  however, i'm dying inside with anticipation.  i can't wait to tell my family.  it's funny because ruthie was just out here last week and i didn't know yet.  i'll be 12 weeks around thanksgiving so i think i'm going to try to wait til then to tell my family, kate & mike's family.  it's soooo hard though.  a couple of my girlfriends know here, but otherwise i want to just make sure everything turns out okay first.

i've been having some mild cramping, almost like i'm going to start my period.  and some intermittent spotting.  so i'm kind of worried about miscarrying.

but i'm overwhelmingly just elated.  i can't stop thinking about the fact that mike & i made a baby and it's deep inside me right now.  but it has a heartbeat.  i love the little peanut already.

this explains a lot ;)

well, this explains the late period.  and how it was abnormal when it "did" come five days late.  it never really felt like a real period...just daily spotting, and it stopped after only five days when usually i'm more like seven or eight days long.  but i'd taken two negative tests so i thought it was just a weird month - thank you, body.  last night at work i was talking to a girlfriend who suggested i take another test, what with my sore boobs & weird period (i know, this is like seriously TMI...but it's my story to record!).  so anyway, i reluctantly schlepped into the bathroom, thinking my hopes would just be dashed again like the first two times.  but this time, that second line slowly showed up.

i'm pregnant.

and i'm overjoyed & praising God for this blessing!!

a day late but a test short.

my period is late by a couple days now...which hasn't happened before.  i'm like clockwork.

i took a pregnancy test this am though, and i only got one pink line.

hm.  weird & disheartening.

guess i'll keep waiting.  not very good at this part ;)

contentment.

this journey is interesting.

i've had moments of peace the last few months, but overall have been WAY too aware of the calendar, what day i'm in my cycle, what my chances are this month, what every little twinge is (implantation? ovulation? geez.).  the past few weeks i've just felt peace.  i haven't felt rushed, like i have to get pregnant this month.  of course, i have seen a million pregnant women and newborns every time i leave the house ;)  but i've just felt more patient, like i'm in a good place.

it isn't a race, and i am not trying to just get to the finish line.  i trust that some day i'll experience pregnancy, we will get to be parents.  but until then, i am happy where we're at.  i'm poignantly aware that i'll never have this time back.  the chance to sit at the computer with a glass of wine in the evening.  to have "me" time first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee & a quiet house. to make a spontaneous lunch date with friends after a spur of the moment running date with a girlfriend. to take a random drive with the hubs looking at the leaves change, windows open wide & blaring country music.

i want to soak it in.  be grateful for where i'm at now, instead of constantly looking into the future.  i want to be thankful for the NOW, because i won't have it forever.

and mostly, i do not want to make an idol in my heart of this situation.  i know all too well my tendency to obsess, and let lesser things replace my God.  i am reminded this afternoon about a verse my brother in law josh shared with me a few months ago, "those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. but i, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you." (jonah 2:8-9)

 there is grace in this journey.  there is blessing found only in the struggle.  i don't want to forfeit the chance to draw nearer to the Lord, to need Him a little more.

i am choosing contentment, and i am so blessed.  the Lord has far been too good to me already.

letting go.

julie and i were talking last night about how everything regarding kids looks so different than we expected.  i have always hoped to share pregnancy & that exciting journey of starting a family with her.  since we were in jax, we talked about going through that stage together.  

she's 30 weeks along and i'm not yet, and it's hard to accept that it's okay if we don't share the experience at the same time.  i think, as always, letting go of expectations is harder than the reality itself is. 

 it's not a big deal if our kids are a few months or year apart.  it doesn't change our friendship anymore than it did my friendship with jen when she had eliot three years before i even considered pregnancy.  but i think i always hung on a little that i'd have a bestie to go through this with.  i am trying to let go of the fact that even if julie and i started trying at the same time, that it isn't our story to write anyway, and who knows who would get pregnant first or at all.  it isn't our plan to execute.  

i am learning so much about my control issues, and learning to start loosening my grip on my own perceived control...and let God work in this, and grow me because of the challenge of waiting.  i do trust Him with this timing.  but i'm reminded of the father in mark 9:24 who says, "i do believe...help me overcome my unbelief!"  i feel like for me, i am saying to the Lord: "i do trust you; help me overcome my control issues!" :)

one step at a time.  today i'm choosing to claim what i believe:  that God is worth trusting with my story.  even if His timing isn't what my egocentric self thinks is best.  He can see the forest, i'm drowning in the trees.

He is worth letting go.

not yet...and peace.

i'm not pregnant this month.

but, it's okay.  i'm at peace about it, and hopeful right now for another month to try.  i'm grateful for the peace i feel, because it's not always there.  in some ways, in the days leading up to my period i'm more anxious than ever.  once it starts it's just, "okay, well, another month to try!"  after a few days of what-if, i'm just okay with it not being our time yet.

i'm careful mentally & emotionally not to be too obsessive about all of this...i'm a controller & that's a hard, conscious decision but i'm just trying to be intentional about "taking every though captive to the Lord."  i want this to be His timing, and i trust His will for us completely.  as soon as i start to feel like i have any control, i am trying to hand it over to the Lord.  mike said the other day something about it being weird that people call it "trying to have a baby"...and i agree.  because six months ago i wasn't concerned every month about my cycle, or what every little pain might be.  there's no reason to just have this consume me all of a sudden.  again with the control....over my heart & head.  i'm choosing to let go of control and just be normal jess.  normal jess & mike.  if out of our love for each other, we make a baby, then awesome.  but i'm not going to allow myself to go crazy mentally trying to do something i have no control over to start with.

i feel great today about everything, and i'm thankful for the clarity.

i want to learn through this journey, not just take the blessing & run without ever having needed the Lord.  i'm grateful that He knows me & protects me from myself ;)